Dear Yannick,
At Frutti Tutti Academy, I get picked on because I live in a small fruit bowl made of plastic, while the others
live in big glass ones. I also have been infected with mould in a rather private area. WHAT CAN I DO?
Love, P. Ineapple.
I dunno, buy pants and move house? Or wave a knife at them and say 'Citrus fruit salad!"
Yannick. xx
Dear Yannick,
I am a mature boy pineapple. Recently, my spikes have started to fall out and other fruits laugh at me and call
me "Yellow-melon". What should I do? Would a sporty new G.T. Fruitbox help, or could I get Pineagra?
Yours, Old-Fruit
Dear Old-Fruit,
You are a sad old git--just face up to it and stop trying to behave like a teenage grape. If you do want Pineagra, I
can recommend a good website where you can get it cheap.
Yannick.
Dear P.P.P,
I am a pineapple with a v.v.v. embarrassing problem: I have an Evanescence addiction! All the pretty lady pineapples
laugh at me and won't come near me any more. What can I do?!
Sad Pineapple, Frootyton.
Dear Sad Pineapple,
My God! You may be suffering from a condition known as 'eva-no-sense', which can be very severe if left untreated. Eva-no-sense
is so common nowadays that most greengrocers offer hypnotism behind the counter. So get to it!
Yannick xx
Dear Yannick,
I am an apple. I can't sleep at the moment because I keep having nightmares about being picked out of my fruitbowl
and eaten slowly. And recently I hve noticed a resident girl in the house where my fruitbowl is, eyeing me up hungrily, and
several times she has reached for me but then been distracted by another woman. I am fearing for my life and can't get to
sleep at night because of the nightmares I keep having. Please help!
From S.C. Ared Apple..
Dear S.C. Ared Apple,
I'm afraid I can't offer much advice other than try to think of something happy before you go to sleep. As for the other
part of your problem, I suggest you try and bury yourself at the bottom of the fruit bowl and hope for the best!
Yannick
Dear Yannick,
I am distraught. I came home to the fruitbowl today after a hard day's work in the fridge, only to find out that
my girlfriend had disappeared! I waited in vain for hours, only to witness those nasty human beings serving her up in a pie!
COMFORT ME!
Distraught Pineapple, Sussex
Dear Distraught Pineapple,
You poor wee beastie. Your girlfriend has gone to a better place, and I'm afraid yo're going to suffer the same fate.
Sorry.
